He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize