The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
