just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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