my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
