if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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