Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
