For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
