Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
