put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
