she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
