i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
being pregnant is like rehab
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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