just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
