so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
