I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
You are a genius and a whore.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize