If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
