Your mouth is God's brothel.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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