I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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