If that was your dad, he is hot
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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