you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
