My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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