If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
