dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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