Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
