i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
