Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize