I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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