If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Randomize
