I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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