if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
