Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
