Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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