i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
