She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
