college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
