My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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