FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
