Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
