Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
