I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
