I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
there's paper in my vomit.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Just invented taco cereal.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
