i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
When are your genitals available?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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