I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
