Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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