I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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