So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
