I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
