My sheets look like a crime scene.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
