Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize