I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
