I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
