i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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