I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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