Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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