Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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