Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Randomize
