John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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