He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
