Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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