Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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