They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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